Saving My Husband from Porn Addiction (1/2)
Question
The problem in our relationship is that my husband is much interested and passionate to porn sites. He is open and honest; he never denies what he did (He is 30 and I’m 23. We got married in our early ages i.e. during our marriage he was 24 and me 17). I knew his behaviors for the last 6 years i.e. from the beginning of our marriage itself. Before, I just kept quiet by thinking that one day he will definitely change his behaviors. It was very difficult for me to do so because it hurt me a lot and there were days which I kept on weeping from the night till morning – me waiting for my hubby in my bedroom and he mostly sitting in front of the computer and staring at others’ nudity, really a horrible truth which I can’t accept even in a dream, still I was forced to accept it. Up to 4 years the same things were going on, we never quarreled on it and it never ever affected both our physical and mental relationships (even though I disliked his behavior, I can’t imagine of hating him). From the last 2 years after being more Islamic we both came to know that the things which he is doing are totally Haraam (Alhamdulillah we both were able to quit all our habits such as music, television and movies). But he was not able to quit this behavior and I’m sure he is struggling with this. The problem started from here, after being more Islamic my hubby’s behaviors really worried me because he is doing a Haraam which Allah has forbidden. At first I just tried to make him understand that I’m really worried for him and also his behavior hurts me and its agony is a lot for me. But he never changed. So this often created a problem between us and mostly we both started quarreling on it. At this time I came to understand that he is not only watching those stuffs but also saving them to his personal hard disks, this again shattered me. Most of the days we quarreled on it, and I won’t talk to him for 1 or 2 days; after that he will assure me this time please pardon me I’m trying my best to quit it. He will be on his promise for 1 week then again he’ll go back to the same. The BIGGEST frustration I had was that neither my tears nor my anger made any changes to him. Also being a Muslimah I always tried my best to please my husband in every aspect, but he never cared for that, me waiting for my hubby but him spending his whole night in front of the computer staring at others’ nudity. I’m sure that one day my husband definitely will have a change (may Allah help him to do so, Aameen). Still sometimes I feel awkwardness, irritated and disgusted when he comes close to me (even though I love him a lot). It feels like I’ve lost my intimacy towards him (which is unbearable for me). I know that we must do everything for the sake of Allah’s love but still sometimes I can’t cope up with it. Please help me with essential steps to overcome such feelings because I love my husband a lot and I don’t want to lose our precious time and I want to be more intimate to him. I apologize for a long email. Salaam.
Counselor: Attia Zaidi
Answer
Wa `alaiykum as-salaam,
I am sorry to hear that you are in such a dilemma. I can only imagine how difficult it is. Despite its overt haram status in Islam, pornography is not something that the Muslim community is immune from.
The reason for such prohibitions is obviously because there is so much harm in it, not only for oneself but also for one’s family. However, just because something is haram does not mean that people will stay away from it.
There are some positives in your question;
a) You have a lot of love for your husband. You may not like what he does but it seems that you are not judgmental or mean, which is a wonderfully refreshing thing to see.
b) Your husband understands not only the prohibition of his actions but he also acknowledges and shows an inclination at wanting to change.
These two factors will prove to be great strengths as you two begin the journey of breaking his addiction.
Intention Not Enough
It comes as a surprise to many but pornography is a real addiction and specialized therapy is needed to break the compulsiveness that accompanies it. Having a firm intention is often not enough, despite it being a pivotal factor in treatment.
There are many stages in breaking addictions:
· Pre-contemplation (when the addict does not think s/he is addicted and sees no reason for concern),
· Contemplation (when the addict begins to feel that there may be a problem),
· Planning (when the addict actively plans a way to beat the addiction and works towards abstinence),
· Maintenance (the period during which the addict is ‘clean’),
· Relapse (the period or time when the addict falls short and goes back to his/her behavior).
Relapse can happen at any stage and one should not be discouraged at every relapse. Relapse is expected and should be planned for because it always happens. What is important is that there is renewed intention and the person re-starts their commitment to abstinence.
Due to the nature of the addiction, it may seem strange because others may feel that there is nothing more to it than will power. However, there is much research done on the brain changes during the time when an addict views pornography and has likened these brain changes to those addicted to more hard core drugs.
Counseling and Therapy Needed
The point is that pornography addiction can be a very real thing. As you probably know, it can also cause very real damage to the family. I would strongly suggest that the two of you seek out counseling.
There are specialized addictions therapists that can help develop a plan and discuss the various support mechanisms that you will need during the process. I can tell you that it won’t be an easy journey, but I pray that once your husband is successful (note: not if your husband is successful) the results will be worth it.
I wish you my very best.
How to Help My Husband Out of Porn Addiction? (2)
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