Polygyny Queries

As salām ʿalaikum wa raḥmatullāhī wa barakātuhu

In the Name of Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Sister in Islām,

May Allāh Taʿālā reward you for your query.

Please find the answers to your questions below:

- How does a woman come to accept polygamy on an emotional level? Sharing a husband can be extremely challenging; how can she work through feelings of jealousy or hurt in a way that is pleasing to Allāh?

Emotional responses are dictated by innate feelings, intellectual thought, social norms, and by the whispers of Shayṭān.

Rasūlullāh صلى الله عليه وسلم explaining thoughts that are innate or intellectual says:

إن الله ‌تجاوز ‌عن ‌أمتي ما حدثت به أنفسها، ما لم تعمل أو تتكلم

Indeed, Allāh has pardoned for my Ummah whatever their souls whisper to them, so long as they neither act upon it nor speak of it.

Allāh Taʿālā points out the effort of the devil in an attempt to grieve and agitate the believers. Allāh Taʿālā says:

إِنَّمَا ٱلنَّجْوَىٰ مِنَ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنِ لِيَحْزُنَ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟

Private conversation is only from Satan that he may grieve those who have believed.

Sister, a woman who may be entering into a polygynous marriage will experience an array of emotions, ranging from the acceptable to those that could be a prelude to sin, or a sin in itself if given the fuel of overthought and enjoyment.

She will have to first differentiate between the two.

- If it is a feeling that is brought on by the devil or social imposition, such has hatred, disdain, or hostility.

She must turn to Allāh Taʿālā and beg for His forgiveness. She should also continuously make the following duʿāʾ:

رَبَّنَا ٱغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَٰنِنَا ٱلَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِٱلْإِيمَـٰنِ وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِى قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّۭا لِّلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ رَبَّنَآ إِنَّكَ رَءُوفٌۭ رَّحِيمٌ

Our Lord, forgive us and our brothers who preceded us in faith and put not in our hearts [any] resentment toward those who have believed. Our Lord, indeed You are Kind and Merciful.

When making this duʿāʾ, she should think of her husband and co-wife with the thought, how can I harbour hostility and hate within my heart whereas I am making duʿāʾ for their forgiveness and asking Allāh Taʿālā to remove any ill from my heart.

Another feeling of the devil in this situation is one of anger. Anger at one’s self, anger towards the husband, and towards the co-wife. If she allows anger to control her, she will firmly be in the clutches of Shayṭān who then incites her to do what he desires. The reaction that is based on anger will probably lead to acts of maliciousness, vengeance and spitefulness, which in turn will create a host of other problems, not to mention added misery and pain. Anger is from Shayṭān and harbouring anger provides access to the whisperings of Shayṭān.

b.If it is an innate and natural feeling such as jealousy.

Let us understand jealousy.

Imām al-Ghazālī رحمه الله whilst discussing jealousy says:

“Know that jealousy (ḥasad) is one of the gravest diseases of the heart.
And the diseases of the heart are only cured through knowledge and action.
The beneficial knowledge that cures the disease of jealousy is to truly understand that ḥasad harms you, both in this world and in the next, while it does not harm the one you envy in either world. In fact, he may even benefit because of it.

If you grasp this with insight, and you are not an enemy to yourself while being a friend to your enemy, then you will inevitably abandon jealousy.

How ḥasad harms you in religion

Jealousy harms your religion because through it:

- You become displeased with Allāh’s decree.

- You dislike the blessings Allāh has distributed among His servants.

- You object to the justice Allāh established in His kingdom with His hidden wisdom.

Rejecting Allāh’s decree strikes at the very core of Tawḥīd and clouds the eye of faith. That alone is a grave harm to your religion.

Added to this is that you have:

- Betrayed a believer,

- Abandoned sincere counsel,

- Opposed the friends of Allāh and His prophets who love goodness for all servants,

- And joined Iblīs and the disbelievers in their love for calamity to befall the believers and for blessings to be removed from them.

These are filth within the heart that consume its good deeds just as fire consumes wood, and wipe them out as night wipes out day.

How ḥasad harms you in the dunya

Jealousy harms your worldly life because:

- You are the one who suffers pain through your jealousy,

- You remain in constant grief and distress,

For your “enemy” will never be free of the blessings Allāh pours upon him.
So every blessing he receives increases your pain, and every hardship that leaves him increases your sorrow.

Thus, you remain distressed, deprived, with a divided heart and a tight chest.
You suffer what you wish your enemy would suffer, your misery arrives immediately, while his blessing remains.

And know: your jealousy will never remove his blessing, even if you did not believe in the Hereafter.

Even pure worldly intelligence would require you to avoid jealousy because it brings you pain with no benefit. So how astonishing that a rational person knowingly exposes himself to Allāh’s anger for no gain, only harm! He destroys his religion and worldly life without achieving anything.

Does ḥasad harm the envied person?

As for your claim that envy harms the one you envy, this is clearly false:

- His blessing will not be removed because of your envy.

- What Allāh has decreed of blessing and success for him must continue until its appointed time.

- No one can prevent what Allāh grants.

- “Every matter has its appointed decree.”

So no harm reaches him in this world, and he bears no sin in the next.

“If only my jealousy would remove his blessing…”

You might say: “If only my jealousy could remove his blessing!”

This is extreme ignorance. Because, firstly, this is a harm you would want for yourself. You also have enemies who envy you. If blessings disappeared through envy, then:

- No one would retain a single blessing,

- Not even the blessing of īmān for disbelievers envy the believers for their faith.

Allāh said:
“Many of the People of the Book wish to turn you back to disbelief after you have believed—out of jealousy from their own souls.”

So anyone who wishes that blessings disappear through envy is, in effect, wishing that the disbelievers could strip him of his own blessing of faith.

And if you desire that others’ blessings vanish because of jealousy but your blessings remain safe from the jealousy of others, this is pure foolishness.
Every foolish envious person wishes the same for himself; you have no greater right to it than they do.

Thus, Allāh’s blessing upon you, that jealousy does not remove blessings, is something you should thank Him for, though your ignorance makes you dislike it.

How the envied person benefits in religion and dunya

As for the benefit the envied person receives:

He is wronged by you. Especially if your jealousy causes you to backbite him, criticize him, expose his faults, or mention his flaws.

All of this becomes gifts you send him, you are handing him your good deeds until you meet him on the Day of Judgment bankrupt, deprived of reward, just as you were deprived of blessings in this world. You wanted his blessing to disappear, but it did not.
Rather, Allāh gave him an additional blessing, your transferred good deeds.
And He added to your misery by reducing your good deeds.”

To overcome this feeling, she should buy a gift for her co-wife, praise her in public, and make duʿāʾ for her in private moments with Allāh Taʿālā.

Beyond this, a woman should also seek help in dealing with her emotions and overcoming her challenges. She should be exceptionally cautious who she seeks help from. A person of knowledge and experience who has a moderate and balanced mindset is the ideal person to seek help from.

Allāh Taʿālā does not take a person to task for passing thoughts and fleeting feelings no matter the cause as long as one does not act upon nor give vent to those feelings.

If she works through her emotions in this manner, she will have pleased Allāh Taʿālā and would be on the right road in coming to terms and accepting the new dynamic of her relationship.

Sister, jealousy is natural feeling has been created by Allāh Taʿālā and placed in human beings. It therefore obviously arises from time to time depending on circumstances. It is found in business circles, in schools among learners, in wealth, in belongings, in sport and in practically every situation of life. The jealous person is also quick to deny any feelings of jealousy even when he feels them intensely. Regarding this natural feeling. Allāh Taʿālā and His beloved صلى الله عليه وسلم have commanded us to control this feeling and not allow it to lead us into transgression:

‌إياكم ‌والحسد، فإن الحسد يأكل الحسنات كما تأكل النار الحطب

Save yourselves from jealousy because jealousy devours good deeds just as fire devours wood.

To feel jealous is natural but one should avoid acting with jealousy. Acting on one’s jealousy will necessarily lead one to do some or other nasty or evil act, which is contrary to noble deeds and this, is that horrible sin that devours one’s good deeds.

2. How does a wife process and come to terms with the fact that her husband shares intimacy with another wife? Even when there are certain boundaries or agreements in place, what happens if one of those is not respected? For example, if both wives have agreed to maintain certain forms of privacy or limits between each relationship, but one oversteps those boundaries, how should the other deal with that situation calmly and maturely?

A person who eats his lunch every day in a place where there are many flies, eventually becomes immune to the flies, not because he is ignoring the flies, but because the flies don’t matter to him anymore. Similarly, the intent should not be to consciously ignore that intimacy takes place with his other wife, rather it should not exist nor matter to the other wife.

This mindset can be achieved when the woman is focused on her own relationship, her own duties as a wife, as a mother and as a contributor to the ummah. When preoccupied with that which matters, that which doesn’t matter, becomes non-existent.

In the case when boundaries are not respected, one ought to investigate. Was it done with malicious intent or was it a mistake? If it was a mistake, they should overlook, forgive each other, and carry on. Dwelling over a mistake is to make a mountain out of a mole hill. If, however, one can prove there was malicious intent, involving a third person of knowledge, wisdom, experience, and a stable mindset to arbitrate might prove useful. The party that exercised malicious intent should be held accountable. The husband should be firm in holding his wives accountable if they display malicious intent to their co-wife.

3. With regard to interaction between co-wives, is it necessary or encouraged for them to maintain a close friendship? It can be emotionally difficult to sit with or freely interact with someone who shares your husband’s affection. How should they engage with each other? What level of co-operation is expected, and how can they maintain mutual respect without forcing what may feel unnatural?

It is not necessary for co-wives to curate and maintain close friendships as this can be emotionally draining. However, they should engage with each other in a cordial and warm manner as is expected from any Muslimah. If they develop mutual respect and cooperation, it would be pleasing to the husband and would allow for a harmonious existence.

Consider, if one wife does not want to see, interact, or cooperate with another wife at all. It would become difficult for the family unit to progress and maintain a cohesive and unified identity.

The manner of interaction between the wives should be governed by the principles of respect for one’s self, one’s Muslim sister, and their husband. If both wives adopt this attitude, the relationship will progress naturally.

4. When it comes to children, how does a mother explain the concept of another wife to her kids in a way they can understand? How can she help them process the idea that their father will now divide his time and attention between two homes? Children might feel confused or even hurt; what’s the best way for both parents to manage that?

Children take their cues from their parents. If the mother displays anger, irritation, is always brooding and sad, and displays negative emotions in front of the children, the children will follow suite and adopt the very same outlook towards polygyny and their father.

If, however, the mother keeps her feelings private, to be dealt with in open communication with her husband, the children will adapt very quickly and easily to the change in lifestyle. There would then be no need to continuously verbally explain or support the children.

In addition to this, the onus of giving the children enough attention rests with the father. If he gives them his undivided attention when he is with them and spends quality time with them, they will enjoy a beautiful relationship with him and come to appreciate their father.

Sister, why is it that we don’t ask the same question when many fathers travel for business leaving behind the wife and children for days and weeks on end? The reality is, a father that is mentally, emotionally, and paternally present for his children, and has the full support of his wife, can have the most beautiful impact on their lives, even if he isn’t physically present at all times.

5. How does a husband practically and emotionally divide his time, attention, and affection equally between his wives and children?

It is obligatory on the husband to be equal in dividing his nights between his wives. He should be strict in this regard. No inequality in the division of nights should be tolerated by either wife. Yes, there are certain exceptions to the rule, in the case of one wife being ill, or if one wife gives up a part of her right etc, the specific rulings of which are found in the books of Fiqh. However, under normal circumstances, there is no leeway for the husband to be unequal in the division of nights. This division only applies to the wives. If one wife has children and the other does not, the ruling remains the same.

Sister, there is a difference between equality and justice. Equality applies only to the division of time. As far as affection, attention, and emotions are concerned, the husband should be just to all his wives. He should show love, affection, concern, and attention to both wives. It is not possible for the husband to be equal to his wives in this regard. There are many factors that are out of his control to ensure equality in love and attention. Yes, he should be just. By this we mean, he should not oppress any of his wives by depriving any of them of love and attention.

6. From a woman’s perspective, what qualities or levels of īmān and character help her cope with polygamy with patience and sincerity, if she ever faces that situation? How can one tell the difference between patience for the sake of Allāh and simply suppressing emotions in an unhealthy way?

A true understanding and appreciation of taqdīr and raḍāʾ bi al-qaḍāʾ is essential for a woman to not only cope but thrive in a polygynous marriage. Further, to understand that Allāh Taʿālā is both al-Ḥākim (The Supreme Ruler) and al-Ḥakīm (The Most Judicious and The All-Wise). Al-Ḥākim has the right to do as He pleases since everything conceivable and that which we cannot conceive belong to Him. He is the owner of everything in the universe and beyond. Allāh Taʿālā is also al-Ḥakīm and thus every decision and act of His is filled with wisdom and expediency. However, considering our limitations, we are unable to grasp the wisdom and knowledge of Allāh Taʿālā.

We encourage one to read “The Cure for Depression Tafweez” authored by Ml Yunus Patel رحمه الله by clicking here. This book outlines resigning oneself to the decisions of Allāh Taʿālā.

The sign of patience for Allāh Taʿālā and not just unhealthy suppression is to wilfully and fully accept the decisions of Allāh Taʿālā with both ones tongue and heart.

Sister, a woman in a polygynous marriage doesn’t just “cope” or “survive”. Whether a woman is in a monogamous marriage or in a polygynous one, she can achieve so much, living a full and complete life, provided she has the

correct mindset. A woman in a monogamous marriage with a negative mindset will suffer by way of her own doings her entire life.

7. As a second wife, how should one deal with the stigma that often comes with that position, since society tends to look down upon it? How does the second wife adapt to a completely new family environment? And how does the first family adjust to a new person in their lives?

The second wife deserves the same respect and reverence that the first wife deserves. This begins from the husband.

It is the responsibility of the husband to bring in the subsequent wife into his family with honour. Secret marriages break the honour of the subsequent wife and the trust of the first. By bringing her into his life with honour, he sets the tone for society to treat her the same.

Notwithstanding this, there is an unfortunate stigma that some in society attribute to the second wife. This is something that she will have to deal with by understanding that such stigma is more often than not, a result of their own insecurities and internal struggles. She should rise above such and cool her heart by considering her worth in the eyes of her husband.

Adapting to a new family and environment is not easy. Change is always difficult. Making an effort to integrate and the passing of time are the two things that help with change. The first family should adjust by welcoming her into the family, showing her care, and assisting her where needed.

8. How does a person approach or address the first wife when he is interested in taking a second marriage? What is the most considerate and Islamic way to inform her and help her process that news?

A man who has an intention to remarry, should over time discuss the matter of polygyny with his wife whilst adopting tact and wisdom. He would then be able to determine her mindset. The next step would be for him to seek counsel from a knowledgeable, wise, experienced, and stable person on the methods of advising and motivating her to the point of acceptance.

He should not bring up the topic incessantly. He should consider the correct time to broach the topic with her. Once she has a reasonable level of understanding and acceptance, he should inform her of his intention to remarry and stipulate a time frame by saying, for example, I intend to marry in 6 months to a year. He should not involve her in anything else. Once a suitable wife is identified and she accepts his proposal, he should inform her of his imminent nikāḥ. Our elders have advised this to be the the most considerate way.

Once he has given her the news, he will have to show her more love and care to help her come to terms with the impending change.

A caution to the man:

You may think polygyny is easy. It is not. Many have tried and have buckled under the pressure. Do not play with a woman’s life by “trying it out”. Seek proper counsel before committing to another woman. Remember, once you’ve committed, you have given your word. There is no turning back. Stay and make it work. No matter how difficult it may be.

9.What are valid reasons for a man to take a second wife? Does she have to be divorced or a widow? Are there specific things to consider, besides it being a sunnah?

If a man wishes to take a second wife and has the ability see to both wives physical and emotional needs together with being able to adopt justice, he may remarry. His “want” to remarry is sufficient a reason.

10. Do women have to be okay with polygamy? Some women may be able to manage, while others have a strong level of ghayrah for their husbands. If a woman feels she won’t be able to share her husband and it will take an emotional toll on her, is asking for a divorce or making it a condition in her marriage (that her husband won’t take another wife) allowed? Would that contradict the spirit of Dīn?

On a foundational level, it is obligatory for every Muslimah to accept the permissibility of polygyny since it is an express injunction of the Qur’ān. Yes, some women may find it a little less difficult and some may find it impossibly difficult. The husband should be aware of the nature of his wife and act accordingly.

Since the fundamental Islamic ruling is that a man is permitted to have up to four wives, provided he establishes justice among them and bears their maintenance, implementing such a condition is against the principles of Sharīʿah. Promoting and making common such a condition is an opposition to this permission and hinders the wisdom of Sharīʿah regarding polygyny. Moreover, a second marriage is a Sunnah and, provided there is safety from injustice, it is a source of benefit. Furthermore, acting upon the directive of Rasūlullāh صلى الله عليه وسلم, “Marry loving and fertile women, for I will boast of your numbers before the ummahs” is hindered by these conditions. We should thus strive to eliminate and abandon such conditions.

Sister, such a condition will fall under making ḥarām what Allāh Taʿālā has made ḥalāl. The ruling would be the same whether the condition is made at the time of nikāḥ or after. According to the Ḥanafī Madhhab if the nikāḥ is performed with the condition that the husband will not marry a second time, the nikāḥ will be valid (i.e., solemnized), and the condition will be void.

If a woman finds herself in a polygynous marriage and is unable to cope, she should seek avenues of support, therapy, and help to allow her to live and thrive. It is not impossible. As long as there are external support structures and internal acceptance, she will find herself happy and healthy.

Although there are compassionate men who forego this right out of mercy for their first wives, this should not be made the norm. Such exceptions should not undermine the broader principle that polygyny is a legitimate and necessary part of Islamic law. The personal sacrifices of a few should not dictate the legal and moral standards of an entire community.

11. I’ve seen some women get over the initial pain and later thrive and find peace. But I’ve also seen women who never got over it, who became emotionally numb, unhappy, or mentally affected even years later. How can that kind of long-term emotional harm be prevented?

Non acceptance results in the negative outcomes you have outlined above. With acceptance, and proper support structures one thrives and finds peace.

12. It sometimes feels like men today only emphasize this one Sunnah, polygamy, while neglecting so many others. What about the Sunnahs of character, justice, responsibility, gentleness, and financial capability? Shouldn’t all those be in place before a man even considers a second marriage?

The ludicrousness of this objection is manifest and the reply to it is: non fulfilment of one Sunnah does not disqualify one from practicing another Sunnah. If the above line of reasoning has to be allowed for a moment, then the very same objection can be raised against the one who intends embarking on his first marriage, which after all is also a Sunnah. If he is neglecting any of the Sunnahs of character, justice, responsibility, gentleness, and financial capability, should he be prevented from getting married for the first time as well?

Yes, it goes without saying, as we have previously explained, that it is obligatory for him to be just and fulfil the rights of his wives

13. Would it be incorrect if a girl wanted to be an only wife and when it’s time to get married, she makes it known to potential suitors (and possibly turn away individuals who state that their intention is to have a second/third/fourth wife)?

If she feels strongly about it, she has the prerogative to do so.

And Allāh Taʿālā knows best.