Intimacy after nikaah before rukhsati

From the start of my early life I had never been focused on any aim and still now I am regretting it why I am not clear about my aim. I am feeling like a burden on this earth. I never wanted to be engaged before marriage. After my BS honors I got engaged, to whom I got engaged he is totally of a different chemistry life style. He always wanted to be bold in our relationship whereas I believed in intimacy after marriage.

A lot of misunderstandings and quarrels occurred between us. Just before nikah, I was totally blamed for not being expressive in showing my feelings or whatever. He always wanted a bold relationship, bold talks whereas I denied it just because I knew its not allowed in Islam. To save this relationship and respect of my parents I totally vanished my personality, my own resemblance. I have done my mphill but still I feel nothing to myself.

Why every time girls have to shut their mind soul and feelings even after nikah (rukhsti is in coming Nov) he wants to have full intimacy. I know it is allowed after nikah when he come to visit me but I want to have all this after rukhsati.